Inside the head of a Princess

I’m counting on the fact that my Friendster Blog doesn’t get as much traffic from my friends as my other blogs. Haha. Here goes.

It’s just incredibly frustrating to me and I have to let it out.

Know how some things just don’t go the way that you planned it, no matter how hard you work on it? I feel like so many circumstances have kept me from doing this one thing and it kills me that I have to let people down again and again and again… And there’s nothing I can do about it.

I will tell you one thing: It’s made me more patient about people who don’t come up with what I expect at the exact moment that I expect it. People flub around me all the time and I used to think that they used circumstance as a lame excuse for something that they didn’t actually want to do. But here I am finding out that bad stuff DOES really happen. And you mean to do something but everything falls out and you JUST CAN’T. Circumstances change and are beyond your control. All that’s left to do is to suck it up.

I want to get mad. I want to get mad SOOO BAD. But the thing is, if I let myself get mad over this, I will most probably get mad at those I let down because they’re the ones that are closest to me. And it doesn’t seem fair that I let them down AND get mad at them on the same day. It really doesn’t make sense to do that. But then WHY am I so tempted to get mad? Grr. It’s incredibly frustrating. It really is.

I want to get mad at someone because my day didn’t turn out my way. I just want to tear my hair out and scream so long. And loud.

Man, I’m one spoiled person, aren’t I?

Ok. I’m trying something new. Along with my alleged, and minimal,  "weight loss" (sabi yan ng ibang friends ko) kinulayan ko ang aking hair. I now have super kaduper black hair. It’s a change. I’ve never had black hair before. But it’s nice. I’m liking it. I think nag-iba ung arrive ko in some way. I think. Haha. Anyway, I’m going to try to continue to lose weight. And I want to keep growing my hair. I want to be different. I want lang. Haha.

Ok. Gossip stinks. Yun lang.

(This entry is exclusive to my Friendster account. My mother has been commenting on my blogs on Multiply. I don’t like it. And none of my friends ever read my Friendster blog anyway.)

In honor of my shoutout… WHY DO I EVEN TRY??

Things just pretty much blow up in my face anyway. I always end up scratching my head by myself and mainly dumbfounded over what just happened. It sucks. It really does. and WHY do I even do it? Ilang beses nako napahiya… Ilang beses nakong iniwan sa ere… But WHY IN THE WORLD DO I CONTINUE TO TRY?

Am I completely retarded? Have I been too stupid? Why trust completely? Why trust anyone completely? I hate this feeling. And now, I guess, I have to make sure that it NEVER happens to me again. EVER. I will not be vulnerable. Not again.

I just really want to blow steam off, sorry. I’m fuming mad. And the most frustrating part is, I can’t even be mad because I essentially don’t have the right to! How stupid of me to put myself in this position, right? RIGHT?

To showcase how mad I am… I left school at 5PM. On an odd hour like 5PM, it takes 45mins for me to get home. It is now 7PM, and I just arrived. I walked. I walked all around Trinoma in a furious pace. Then I decided to just go home because I wanted to punch everyone in sight. Para naman hindi ako magkaron ng criminal record, uwi na lang ako diba. Pero once I got inside the jeep, I wanted to shove everyone out the door, screaming in anger. Tapos, gusto kong ihagis yung phone ko sa kalsada para masagasaan ng mga rumaragasang bus at jeepney sa EDSA. So I decided to go down from the jeepney and just walk home. Yup. I walked home from Trinoma. And I took the super long way. Umikot-ikot pako. And after a while, I was too tired to be mad. But when I got home, someone texted. And I got mad all over again. Which brings me to the question…

WHY DO I EVEN TRY?

Never again. Never. EVER. EVER.

Proud pako sa sarili ko eh. I "kidnapped" Lyqa yesterday to take her to the huge Fully Booked store in Bonifacio High Street. Went well naman for the first part. She was happy (as far as I could tell) with the millions of books that surrounded us. I’ll never forget how she looked when we first entered the store. Parang bata. She was just standing there staring at all the books. I had to prod her pa to look at some. Para siyang nag-hang. Haha. Basta! It went well. Until we had to go home. That’s when I realized….

I need a car.

May dalawa akong blog entries sa Multiply over the past two weeks. Nawala pareho. Tssssss.

I don’t know why…. I feel like I’m just floating around. With everything that’s happening and/or just happened… I don’t know. It’s like my mind has yet to recover. I can’t seem to get my feet back on the ground. I’m finding it hard to focus on most things. I spend most of my time just spaced out, thinking about so many things. I really don’t know what’s happening to me.

I feel like I’m just floating around.

Someone please pull me back down.

One week to go…. My 21st birthday is getting closer and closer. Happy Birthday? Hmmm….

I’ve gotten used to the non-hoopla-ness of my birthday. Yung wala bang nangyayari. Kasi this time ng October, people are busy… Finals… Sem break… And I don’t want to impose. Last year nag-Pizza Hut lang kami at isinara ang Eastwood sa tambay with a couple of my friends (a couple, as in literal na two other people aside from myself). So di ko naman talaga ine-expect na may bongga pang mangyayari sa kaarawan ko ngayon kasi ganun naman ever since.

However, I was hoping for a little more this year… Kasi I’m turning 21. Wala lang. 21 eh. Feeling ko officially old nako after this birthday. And all I really wanted was a quiet dinner at home, with my closest friends and family. For a while, tuloy na tuloy siya. I had everything planned na and all. People I wanted to invite said that they’d come. My mom and my uncle said it was ok to use the house. My dad said that he’d even sponsor the cake and ice cream. Kaya lang may event na tumapat. I have to cancel it tuloy.

Di naman ako nagtatampo sa event or anything. Kasi I agree naman na that’s more important than a birthday. Kaya lang, yun nga. Siyempre feel bad ako kahit papano. Not to mention the Friday before my birthday is a holiday, so no classes. Di ko makikita family ko sa school. Tapos nataunan pang Sunday yung birthday ko mismo, so hello immediate family ko lang makakasama ko. Waw. Hay. Nag-sawa lang siguro ako na nakakalipas lang yung birthday ko. You wait for it all year, pero wala. Yun lang yun. October 14. Pag anjan na, parang ako at ang nanay ko lang yung masaya.

Haha! Sorry. Nag-ngunguynguy lang ako. Total halos naman lahat ng friends ko sa multiply nagbblog. That’s why I wrote here. Haha. I’m sad. But I’ll get over it. I always do. Happy birthday to me.

Five months.

A lot can change in five months. Summer passed. A new school year has begun. Friends drift apart. People leave… Things have changed. I’ve changed.

It’s funny how things play out the way they do. Looking back, I never thought that I would have gone through what I did. Heck. Looking back, I never would have thought that I would make it through what I went through. But I glad that I went through it anyway.

Regret? Maybe. There are things that I did and said that I wish I could take back, but I can’t. But more than that, the things that happened sort of "forced" me to take a good look at who I was and what I was becoming. And it was only then that I saw that I was surrounded by a love like no other. I never saw it then. I knew it was there, but I never saw it. But now I know.

Sometimes I wish I could let everyone see the difference in me. I wish I could take the time to look each of them in the eye and show them. I wish I could apologize for the things I did. I wish I could tell them that I’ve forgiven. I wish they could see me now. But I know that’s not up to me. Someday, they will see.

I just want to finally leave the past behind. Everything. This is me just starting over. Clean slate. My best friend can afford for me to do so anyway. That’s exactly what He came here for, isn’t it?

So, here I am. Different. Things may still not be as it was, but I know better now. I know myself more. I know my Him more. I’m more secure, more patient, more understanding, less judgmental. I know who my true friends are. Definitely more loving because I’ve seen what that truly means. Different. I’m not who I was. This is me now. And I’m liking it.

I’m twenty… And I’m kinda waiting for my life to begin. I’ve had this notion that maybe I would have accomplished something by now, but… I haven’t. Or so I thought.

What brought about this mood, you ask? I was watching kasi the Oscars the other day. Seeing all those beautiful people, in that huge place… The realization of these people’s work being recognized with the whole world watching… All that came to mind was… I want that. I want that moment. A moment of greatness.

I thought about my life, what I’ve made of it so far and sighed. From a normal point of view, it really isn’t much… I study… I sing sometimes… It’s not all that exciting. But you know what? I’m happy. I’ve stopped looking at my life with condescending eyes. What I have is awesome and, unbeknownst to most, I have moments of greatness of my own. Little things like, catching a comfortable bus on the ride to school… Seeing people that I’ve helped do far better than I could ever have… A friendship restored… A person touched through Friday Nights… A smile… An encouragement… Nothing big. Just moments. Moments that make up my life. I sat there thinking, huh? What could possibly be so great about that? And I realized, it isn’t the moment itself that’s great. It’s the person behind it that is. I have someone great behind these moments. Someone who makes all of it happen. Someone who sees me and loves me. Someone who will never give up on me no matter what. Someone who has made me for greatness. It’s not because of me. All this was never to make my name great for my own sake. It’s for His. So… I will continue to live my small but great life. With the incredible knowledge that there is so much more to come. And nothing can mess that up.